A Brief Thing: How it Should Have Been

As a means of an introduction, let me implore of you my kind readership, forgive me of my mistakes, editorial errors, or general lack of cleverness. I wrote this quickly, a storytelling Tourette's Syndrome if you will.  Giggle and enjoy:

Little Red felt the basket drop as Mamma Red threw treat after treat into the wooden vessel. Little Red thought that certainly Grandmother didn’t need all these baked goods.

Mamma Red looked at her lazy, stupid daughter and hoped a wolf would maul her to bits.

The forest was charming and beautiful, chirping and rustling, but of course it was still a forest and appropriately filled with wolves and bears and cougars. But alas, Little Red was a stupid girl, and she ventured in anyways with lazy thoughts of shortcuts dancing through her head (a most barren place indeed).

Wolf gingerly nibbled a rabbit, his pack off sunbathing nearby, when he smelled Little Red stumbling through the forest, for she had not bathed in many days. He decided to follow her because he was lonely and his pack was very snarky (they did not approve of his love for cross (species) dressing, a hobby he most enjoyed).

Now, human children are slow creatures (Little Red especially), so soon Wolf grew tired of pacing behind. He trotted on ahead. Abandoning Little Red and her rancid stench, Wolf ran along to his favorite place on the outskirts of the forest.

Reaching the cottage at the end of the forest, Wolf pushed his snout through the door of Grandmother’s house. As per usual, Grandmother was passed out on her rocker muttering the lyrics to racist colloquial songs. Wolf lifted her from the chair and placed her tenderly into the wardrobe where he removed a nightgown and cap from their hangers. He climbed into bed and just was.

With her graceless knack for ruining all good things, Little Red barged through Grandmother’s door only moments after Wolf settled in.

“I’m HERE!” She bellowed, and Wolf quickly covered his face with blankets. Little Red skipped over to the bed and dumped the contents of her basket all over Wolf. “These are from mom,” Little Red chucked the basket onto the floor and sat down on the bed. Wolf only nodded behind the blankets. Little Red grabbed a treat from the bed and stuffed it into her face. “Grandmother, you’re really hairy,” she said with a mouthful of pastry.

Wolf felt himself sweating through his nightie. There was no way he could escape the girl. She was going to find out his secret and he was going to be humiliated. Little Red was pretty busy eating, so that bought him some time, but he had to think of something quick.

“Seriously, you look like Daddy’s backside,” Little Red spat pastry all over when she spoke. She reached forward to pull the blanket from Wolf’s face, and he cringed. And just as she yanked the blanket away, Wolf screamed the loudest, highest pitched sound any male of any species could make. Little Red just stared at him and continued to eat. “Yeah, you really need a shave.”

Wolf scowled at Little Red.

“Wow Grandmother, you don’t look so good,” Little Red rubbed her hands clean of her snack and grabbed another. “This will make you feel better. Open up!” Little red threw open Wolf’s mouth and jammed the pastry inside. “Lord above Grandmother, are these your dentures?” Little Red wiggled a tooth. Wolf shook his head and tried to get the fiend out of his mouth. “Stop moving Grandma! These can’t be your dentures; someone at the doctor’s must have messed up. Let me take them out.” Wolf struggled against Little Red, yelping and flailing under the sheets.

Amidst the thrashing, the front door flew open. Looking into the room was none other than Amelia Wudchopp dressed to the nines in flannel.

“What in the name of affordable plywood is going on in here?” Wudchopp demanded. Little Red had opened Wolf’s mouth as wide as it would go and had nearly gotten both hands and a chunky length of arm into it. “Is that wolf trying to eat you?!” Wudchopp stepped forward.

“Wolf? Lady, this is my grandmother. And you are one rude piece of work barging into here and calling my grandma hairy.” Little Red pulled her saliva-coated parts from Wolf’s mouth.

Wudchopp just stared at Little Red. She looked to Wolf whose face was a jumble of panic and horror and then back at the little girl (who had already begun to start eating again). With two huge lumberjack strides, Wudchopp walked up to Wolf and yanked his night cap straight off.

“You’re telling me this is your grandmother?” Wolf lowered his ears tight to his head in shame.

“Yeah, what’s it to you, crazy?” Little Red rubbed her belly. She got up and brushed crumbs from her dress. “Now, I know I can find something to—yes! These will work just right,” Little Red had been rifling through a junk chest when she stood and held a pair of gnarly, rusted pliers into the air. “Now let’s get those dentures out.” Little Red walked towards Wolf, who had shrunk his body as small as it could get against the bed. Wudchopp looked at the wolf and then the little girl.

WOMP! Wudchopp took the butt of her axe and tapped it once on Little Red’s head who at once fell face first onto the floor, cape sprawled out atop her.

“Come on, let’s get you out of here.” Wudchopp helped Wolf out of bed and the two walked towards the door. “So you like dressing up as old women?” Wudchopp made polite conversation, and the Wolf looked up in affirmation. And the two slammed the door behind them. As they did so, the wardrobe bulged open and Grandmother slumped to the floor, sound asleep.

The End.